Emotionally Healing my Ulcerative Colitis

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I had unreachable standards for myself and then would become disappointed when I didn’t reach them. I still remember that I only got a 99% on my NY State math regents exam in high school. I still remember which multiple choice question I got wrong. This type A mindset wasn’t just happening inside the classroom. I would spend hours at track practice working on my running form and completing drills and then I would go to the weight room and spend another hour working out to improve my strength. Being a perfectionist became harder as life went on. In college, I started to put on a relaxed face to the world but when I got back to my dorm room I would feel frustrated and mad at myself. I would reflect on conversations I had with people and nitpick what I said and what I could have said better. I had unrealistic expectations for myself that only continued after college and into the real world. I felt out of control and felt unsupported at my job. I had the need to control something, so I turned to my body. I would try all different workouts I saw online or in magazines. I would stare into the mirror and not be kind to the person I saw in the reflection. I would stress eat and then immediately feel guilty and ashamed.  This relationship with myself caught up to me when I was 22 years old and became really sick. I was in and out of hospitals and then was later diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Ulcerative Colitis. I found out that my immune system was attacking perfectly healthy cells in my body. This diagnosis was a wake-up call. Not only was I attacking myself on the outside, by telling myself I wasn’t good enough for years, but now my body began attacking itself internally as well. I needed to get to the root cause of this self-sabotage and heal from an emotional level if I wanted to see real change and healing. Below are four ways I began to heal myself energetically.

Create a Mind-Body Connection

Autoimmune diseases in very simple terms is your body’s attacking itself internally. Basically my body’s immune system was attacking perfectly healthy cells. My autoimmunity on an emotional level was teaching me how disconnected I was from my soul and soul’s purpose. How I was treating myself on the outside was directly affecting how my body was treating itself on the inside. I was being hard on myself, constantly telling myself I was not enough. I now know that in order to heal and connect with my soul I needed to change this dialog I was having with myself. I switched from saying I have to, to I get to.  “I get to speak kinder to myself.” “I get to wake up each day in a body that loves me.” “I get to heal my body.” “I get to show up as my authentic self and live from a place of wholeheartedness.”

Another way I shifted how I spoke to myself was learning the cause of my symptoms and then create a new thought pattern around them. One of my favorite resources to do this is Heal Your Body by Louise Hay. In her book, Hays says that Colitis’ probable cause is insecurity. Colitis represents the ease of letting go of that which is over. The new thought pattern would become “I am part of the perfect rhythm and flow of life.”

Mirror Work

A demon I needed to make peace with was the mirror. Each day I would find myself picking at my skin as soon as I looked in a mirror. Picking at blemishes and scabs. Harming the biggest organ in my body. Another habit that was not adding value into my life was the constant need to take before photos in the mirror. Before photos are the photos you take before you start a new workout or diet and then use them to compare how you look in a few weeks. By taking these photos I was telling myself that I did not accept how my body looked in the moment and I wanted it to be different, telling myself that in time I would look back at these photos and think thank goodness I don’t look like that anymore. I knew it was time to create a healthier relationship with the mirror. I started small. My first goal was to look in the mirror and choose one thing I like about myself. Once I was able to do that I would stand in the mirror and look myself in the eyes and say “I love you” this was such a small action that had powerful results. My final step of mirror work was to stand completely naked. Put on a favorite song and stand with no judgment no self-criticizing self-talk and just notice. Later on, I would begin to also send love and gratitude to myself. This was emotional and empowering. At first, I wanted to look away, I felt silly but I knew these were signs that this was what my body needed. I needed to accept and love myself. I noticed that it got easier and turned into something I wouldn’t say enjoyed but tolerated over time. Taking time to be naked and vulnerable with myself was the first step in discovering self-love.

Stress

Being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease was also an indicator that I was not handling my stress properly. When I would get stressed I would feel it most in my chest and stomach. I tried to handle everything all on my own. I would be afraid to ask for help. I was also going through major life changes around the time of my diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis two months after starting a new job. I was also nurturing a long distance relationship and living in a new town without friends or family around. So you could say my stress had increased. Simple changes I made to handle my stress were:

Meditating- taking time to find stillness throughout my day.

Journaling- writing down on paper what was coming up for me physically and emotionally

Dancing -  Moving my body freely and without judgement. Brene Brown calls dancing full body vulnerability.

Asking for help when I needed it - Easier said than done. Gets easier with practice

Creating a gratitude practice- This can be as simple as writing down what you are grateful for when you wake up or go to bed.

Sharing my Story

For the first two and a half year of my diagnosis, I avoided talking about what I was going through as much as I could. I wouldn’t talk about it at work or with my family.  Over time I learned that everyone’s story is powerful and by sharing your story you then encourage others to do the same. I had a fear of being seen as sick or weak. But part of the healing process was accepting and loving my diagnosis and all the many things that it has taught me. I needed to accept and meet my body where it was at instead of wishing or hoping that it was something else. I had to find purpose from my pain and being open and honest with my story was part of my purpose. .